Comedy Set

(this is a comedy set I did at Cafe Goa and this is the transcription because the audio isn't that great I suggest letting it play and just listening to my voice while you read the transcript below. You can't see my facial expressions anyway)

I came here last month. It was actually one month ago. I scribbled a few jokes. I told it impromptu and this time I actually registered and came on so I'm going to be sharing some of the jokes I told them with you as well because there are different people here. I'm going to start off with a few clean jokes because I'd like my
audience, you to wait until you get offended and freaked out.

I realized that most Eskimos are just really cool guys.

I was standing next to a mirror and realized I was beside myself.

Do you know that Mumbai adds 5 lakh cars annually? But that’s ok because we built one bridge.

I last came here on Valentines Day. Best part about Valentines Day for me is that I have multiple personality disorder so I’m always seeing somebody. The best part is that I’m never alone. The worst part is that it may be imaginary.

People say I’m a bad communicator. Oh yeah To that I say, ... Ok they maybe they're right.

I have a friend of mine who is really cheap. He asked me for a lift home even though he stays 10 minutes from where I live. So anyway I was driving and I told him that I would be moving to the the states as well and I was driving and he said "Oh you can drive, you could be a cab driver.” I said “Fuck you, be a cab driver, that’s such a cliché. ” So anyway I dropped him off and said goodbye but before I said goodbye I said “That’ll be 32.50.”

I told my dad I wanted to be a psychic. He said, “Son, there’s just no future in it.”

So the World Cup has come, huh? I think the World Cup is ironic(al) to begin with because they call it the World Cup and there are only 14 countries and they have to pay them to play. Not that many actually know. I actually kind of like it because my dad says 'Remote.Yes' for the first time. Saas Bahu serials are the worst.

Comedians should not take up boxing. You don’t want to tell a professional boxer that he didn’t get the ‘punchline’ because he will make one in your face.

Hrithik Roshan. I think he should become a movie critic. Stop acting. Start reviewing movies. Most critics can give two thumbs up he can give three.

Nice guys finish last or so I'm told. What I don’t understand is why don’t they practice running faster?

I was working at a call centre selling benefit cards for a hotel and I told this guy "Sir, we will give a free dinner for you and your wife' and all of a sudden he went really really quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he said “Accha listen. You said that me and my wife but will they check if I what if I bring my girlfriend?”

So the thing about pesticides. They're killer.

I got the photographer to laugh. Not bad.

[Ok my jokes are going to get edgier now.]
I’m not a good looking guy. It’s ok. Some guys get large penises. Some get good looks. Those who get neither come up here and do comedy.

Self-depreciating humour is good because nobody gets hurt... except the guy talking.

I stammer a lot. I’ll get stuck on the first syllable of a word and then the rest of it will just shoot out of me. Like if someone asks me my name, I’ll start to say Richard but get stuck on the R. It gets pretty bad but I try to make the most of it. So what happens is I have to say the word ‘Home’ I'll get stuck on Hh but then to mess with my friends I’ll keep it there 10 seconds longer.

One guy made fun of the way I stammer. I wanted to tell him to Fuck off but never got past the Fu...

But I was ready for him the next time cos I actually went to  Fu...cked your mom last night. Did she say Morning or "Good Morning" If it was good, it was because of me.

I gave her the old Rise and Shine. For those unaware of the Rise and Shine, she makes you rise, you make her face shine.

A friend of mine showed me a picture of her feeding a giraffe. I once thought of dating a giraffe because I thought, long legs, deep throat. This could work.

I had to quickly put the idea out of my mind because I hate the idea of a girl bending down to kiss me or me climbing up to shag her.

Also, after you date a giraffe, the only place you can go from there is down.

You know how if you want to do it doggy style, all you need is a floor. With a giraffe, you need a ladder.

(to the guy laughing after everybody has gone quiet) You take your time, don't you?

The best part of being paranoid is that you don’t trust anybody. The worst part is that you don’t trust yourself. Like you’re watching porno and then if anybody in the video looks at the camera, you stop and think “Can they see what I’m doing?”

I was at my aunt’s place and I love my aunt because she's always giving me food, she's always giving me stuff to eat but my cousins are real douches. I was sitting down, I was eating something and my aunt offered me these chocolate rrrrum balls.

Yeah, yeah I was going to stammer, fuck you.

Anyway I was sitting down and she left a couple of them in my lap and I kind of forgot about them, I stood up and they fell down and my cousin took the opportunity to be funny and said “Hahaha Richard, your balls just dropped.” And I said “Oh good. They finally descended.”

My parents thought I was gay once. (to the guy who said "They were right") I want your number.

I did this whole goth thing. I put on eyeliner and tried to make my face look pale.

My dad got so mad, I overheard him talking to my mom and he was all like “I knew we shouldn’t have sent him to a catholic school."

He went on to say "Look at what those priests did to him.” I tried to jump in and be funny and said “Oh come on Dad, it’s only gay if you touch them back.”

I love gay men. Not in the literal sense, I’m straighter than an arrow; by that I mean the sharp, pointy end not the other feathery part.

I want more gay men everywhere because it would leave more women for...well...people like us. But everywhere except in Delhi and except in Parliament because let's face it, if anyone is middle class here you know they rape you over on a daily basis anyway.

My brother’s girlfriend, she gave him an amazing gift. She gave him alcohol. When he was drunk, she was irresistible.

Men mostly have a problem talking to women.  A lot of guys can't really, you know approach a woman and women kind of give you this look. I can see what's going on through their head when you start to walk towards them. This guy is creepy. This guy is a pervert. Women, just let me say for the record that all the creepy men are in the corner masturbating where you can’t see them.

But seriously...ok that's not a line you want to use when doing comedy. So I thought of a great ice-breaker. First of all, you need a pair of balls which you should have if you're a man. Secondly, you need to not bother or not be bothered about getting turned down because let's face it, we all know that she's a gold-digging picky bitch.

(girl judge shows her lack of appreciation) I'm not getting scored well there.

So imagine this, this is what I suggest that some men should try and do. Imagine you’re at a party or a club and you see a nice woman over there.You go up to her and say “Listen. I just want you to know that you have the incredibly rare opportunity of talking to me but before you say anything, I want you to know that I am taking a huge risk by coming over here because you may not be my type.”

Yes, she could be so bowled over by your confidence that  she will actually start talking to you as the best outcome. Actually that's not the best outcome. She will fuck you.

But if you’re not flat out rejected immediately, she may say something like “You taking a risk? What about me? Well I suggest the whole Jack Sparrow approach, “Well luv, I can vouch for my being all right but you’re coming off a bit sketchy now.”

How about some limericks now. You guys like limericks?
I met this girl in the forest
Of all the girls she was the hottest
We fucked on the ground
Her head turned around.
Holy Crap! It’s the girl from the exorcist.

There was a young lady from Lerm
Who was suspiciously thin like a worm
Because of a habit she couldn’t kick
She became a sex addict
Her stomach had 2 litres of sperm

I knew it. There's the wait.
Rapists and stalkers. Let’s talk about them. I know you may not think that this is a good time to mention rapists and stalkers but I already mentioned Delhi so...

Stalking is such an ugly word. Potential rapist sounds better because that way at least you have potential. As opposed to just having jizz in your hands.

When you are with friends and one of them points out a hot girl, you should say I’d hit that or I’d tap that. Don’t say I’d rape that or I’d stalk that.

Necrophilia. Fucking a dead body. It brings about a lot of interesting questions. Like if someone violates your body, could you orgasm in the afterlife?

The best part about necrophilia. Not a single complaint.  The worst part is having toput all the bloody dirt back into the grave.

I realized that if I lay a dead girl up against her headstone, I could literally fuck her brains out.

I think most necrophiliacs become rapists because it's so much easier to leave the body to make it's own damn way back home.

I don’t want the fact that I’m making a lot of rape and stalker jokes give you the idea that I have ever raped or stalked anybody. The worst I’ve been accused of is stealing another guy’s girl. He was really unreasonable. I tried to tell him that you can’t ask for a ransom until you kidnap somebody first.

Oh shit, there he is in the back. Don’t look. Don’t look. He's already looking at me.

Actually she turned around to look. I kind of wanted that because I need a reference image for my mind. I don’t want to sneak up on the wrong person.
(The Host gestures to other host) Meet her husband

I'm going to end my set now. I'm going to end my set on a song. I'd like to warn everybody that I have a horrible singing voice but I do have immense respect for Himesh Reshamiyya who managed to stick his nose, if nothing else into the business and still made a profit. So anyway this is the Stalker Song

Could I be the guy on the jogging track?
No I’m in the bushes staring at your rack.
Could I be the guy on the bus?
Watching you because I must.
Could I be the guy on the train?
Taking a peek once more and again.
Could I be the guy on the street?
Watching you and everyone you meet.
Yeah I even watch you as you eat.
You’re a vegetarian and won’t have meat.
I am someone you just might know.
I am stalking you wherever you go.

Ch: I am stalking you (x3)
And you don’t know who
I am stalking you (x3)
Cos it’s what I do.

You can’t see but I’m looking at your window
You closed the curtains so now it’s kinda oh-no
Have to turn on
And see the webcam
You’re changing your clothes
Oh thank you ma’am
Oh what’s this? You’re sitting in a bar
Now some guy is taking you home in his car.
What a jerk. I wish he would die.
But he won’t kill himself so I guess I’ll try
I know you felt bad when you heard he was dead
I know because I’ve heard all that you said
You said you didn’t know him for very long
I am stalking you so I know he was wrong.

Ch: I am stalking you (x3)
And you don’t know who
I am stalking you (x3)
Cos it’s what I do.

Who else would bother to collect your hair?
Or take time to stop and stare.
Some would say that I do too much
Despite the fact that I look and don’t touch
Some would call it a mild obsession
Created from many years of repression
But I would not call it this
I watch you even when I take a piss
I see you and touch my penis
Because I watch you all the time I get
I watch you in the shower
You like to get wet
Don’t worry so much
Because I like it too
Hope you never figure out that
I am stalking you.

I am stalking you (x3)
Cos it's what I do
I am stalking you (x3)
It just grew